Forgive Me

It's been an extremely long time since I last posted a blog. At least it feels like it. This week has been overwhelming, my problems with A and my brother. Then on SATURDAY (sorry about caps, twas an accident) we went to the vet because my dog has been really sick lately (see previous blogs). I don't know what I was thinking was going to happen but I honestly did not anticipate that she would have kidney failure and I DEFINITELY didn't think he was going to tell me it was a miracle my dog was even alive. Don't read this next part if you don't want to but I really need to just write this all down before I forget:

My dad was taking forever as usual to get ready. I was sitting on the couch with Mickey (my dog) in her bed at my feet. Dad finally
was ready. We went out to the car, me carrying Mickey and trying to slide my feet into my shoes. On the drive over we listened to the radio, an oldies station. I remember pointing out this old junker saying that's MY car. My dad laughed and said the guy was driving it over to our house. Mickey is sitting in my lap, her head resting on the window ledge letting the wind blow past her face. The veterinarian is located in a crappy part of town, but it's worth it he's a great doctor. We pull into the parking lot. We're walking up to the door and there's a mom and two younger kids (boy and girl) saying "come here," their cat was attacked by a dog and now it's scared senseless. We go inside. The office lady says we don't need to check in, I notice a huge carrier with I think three kittens. We sit down on the soft leopard print couches. I stroke Mickey's little head, her body, I can feel her ribs, see them poking out. There's a two men (gay I'm assuming which is normal given where we live) they seem nice. One is sitting on our couch, the other on the one to our right. They're talking, the one on the other couch has a chihuahua in his lap. It's small but has the tongue of a LARGE dog. The man is teasing the dog about this, and baby talking. He says "she's so skinny" to me, I nod "she's sick," I say. A woman comes out of the patient room closest to the reception area. She sits on the couch with the other man. He asks her about her dog. I think she says something about stitches. The receptionist asks us what's wrong with the dog, "she's sick and skinny," I say. "Skinny? Has she been vomiting?," I say yes. She asks a few other questions. The two men leave to a room. The family comes in with their cat. The daughter asks to pet Mickey. She does, she says we should get her a harness (I think because her collar is so big on her now). The boy talks about his cat. It looks like a blue russian. The boy is a little chubby, the girl and mom also. The girl talks to the woman with the dog stitches. She then leaves, so do the gay men (I think). We are sent into the first patient room. I walk in, there's a poster on the wall of a dog with pearly white dentures on the wall it says "I wish my parents (mom, dad, something like that) had taken me to see to doctor walker to get my teeth cleaned!" There's a metal table on the left of the room behind that is a counter with doctor stuff. To the right of the table in the corner is a chair. Every time I go to the vet I study the posters, but the dentures dog is the only one I can remember now. I'm about to set Mickey on that cold steel antibacterial table but decide to take the chair instead. My dad comes in and accidently slams the door, "oops, I didn't mean to do that." He stands by the table. On the north wall of the room there is a big doorway, I'm guessing it leads to all the scary doctor stuff. I can see Dr. Walker and a nurse. He walks in the room. "So you're not eating," he says. I shake my head no. I put her on the table as I'm saying something like "she got really skinny." The nurse is holding her head and body. I pet Mickey's head. The doctor feels near her hind legs, her kidneys have failed. He gets out a stethoscope, her tubes aren't leaking though. "Has she been drinking water?" By now I'm gone, I can't speak my eyes are watering as soon as kidneys were mentioned I... was gone. He's still looking towards me for the answer, so is the nurse and my dad. I don't answer. I kneel down so I can look into her eyes, they are blue with old age and so deep. My dad says something like... actually I can't remember what he says. He's thinking about how it might look like we're abusing her, he tells me later. He when I finally start to register my dad is saying "...she's been doing bad for a while, we were gonna take her in but K wanted to try some other things first. She's been feeding her chicken and stuff. She just can't keep it down." The Doc nods. "At this point, she can't recover, I don't want to...." I'm crying big huge movie star worthy tears. "D-don't worr-ry about m-me I'm j-just emotional." I smile. "No, no. It's okay." He hands me a tissue. My dad is crying. "I want her to be put down. I love her." Alright, I'm going to give her a sedative and then we'll give her the shot it will slowly stop her heart. I nod. I'm still kneeling, I lower my head rest it on my hands. "You can say goodbye.... Do you want her collar. I burst into more tear, my dad says yes. Somehow I end up with the collar. I put it around my arm. I take Mickey, I hold her like I've never held her before. I kiss her skeletal head. Sobbing. "I l-l-love you," I whimper. "so much, I love you." I squeeze her. I kiss her head. "W-what a-about m-mom?" I ask my dad. "What?" he asks. I ask again I ask three times. "We can't bring her home," he says. "I k-know." I'm going to hand Mickey to him but instead he holds her head kisses her, "you're a good girl." I don't know what else he says. I don't remember if he told her he loved her. I kiss her again, "I l-l-love you." My dad asks for a tissue. I give her to someone... the nurse? Doc? I pet her head. "You can wait in here, or the other room. I'm thinking of you two, it's your decision." "We'll go in the other room," my dad answers. I don't want to but I go. "Come on," he says. His hand is at the small of my back. He walks to the receptionist. I go to the couch. The family is there still. I sit down on the couch where the mom is sitting. I sob and sob. "What happened?" She asks. I mumbled something about her being put to sleep. "oh god," she says. "What mommy?" The girl asks. "Nothing." "I'm so sorry," she tells me. My dad is coming back towards me. "I'm so sorry," she tells him. "Thank you, come on Kate." I get up, we get in the car. "I want her." "We couldn't take her home." "No, I w-want her!" "What are you going to do with her put her under your bed?" "No on a shelf." "Oh, they send her away they don't cremate her." "She loved me, right?" I ask. "YES, she loved you." he replies. "I left her all alone." I cry we're almost home. I stop. I wipe my eyes. I'm shaking still. The tissue is balled up in my hand. "I'm thirsty." "What do you want?" I didn't expect him to actually get me something, I thought he'd say we're almost home. We are stopped by a Jack in the Box. "I don't care... water." "Iced tea." We keep driving then pull into a Starbucks parking lot. "We don't have to go here." "That's okay I need to get tea bags anyway." We see my brother's friend's mom in the drive-thru. We sit there. I don't know why. My brother calls, "Hello?" I answer. He says something about being the president then the CSI. He obviously meant the CIA. He asks for two Slim Jims, he has this new found obsession with them. My dad jokes about not knowing any Jims. Then something about getting them confused. They hang up. We get two iced teas and seven boxes of tea. I sit down and look at the LA Times. There's a man outside, on a pay phone? Cell phone? My dad says you're supposed to but the newspaper I say I don't care my dog died I can do what I want. The teas are ready. Mine has water in it, dad's is just tea mix and ice. "Which do you think is yours?" I pick the lighter one. Then notice this one has H2O with a slash through it. "This one is yours actually see." We switch. We walk to the car. "I think this one is yours. Does yours taste like it has water?" "yeah you were wrong." "Well it said no water." He calls my mom and asks if we should get donuts, there's a Winchell's near Starbucks. She says yes and no. She doesn't want the extra carbs. He says he won't get them then. I say we should though before I was saying no. I'd already eaten a bowl of corn flakes. But I was depressed and I eat when I'm depressed. We get donuts. Head home. I'm fine mostly by now. Pass out donuts. My dad and I joke around. I feel like shit for being all jokey. We tell my mom. She cries. And cries. And stops, then cries. She stops. I let her play Bubble Breaker on my phone. The whole rest of the day I was mostly fine. J calls, she comes over. We take her home. Take dogs to groomers. Go get mom sunglasses. Eat at Mimi's Cafe. Go home. Watch tv. Still fine. Dad says it's time for bed. I read. I get up and sit in Mickey's sleeping corner in my room. I cry. I get her collar and a photo of her. I sit in the corner and cry. I go to my parents room, and knock. They don't answer but they're talking. I open the door "WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT OF BED!" I must have had a weird face on plus tears streaking down my face. "Oh K, what's up?" I shut the door and pounce onto the center of their bed. Heaving sobs. They rub my back. I ask a few questions. I'm done. I apologize. "Don't be sorry, it's what we're here for." I go back to my room. I can't sleep. Even with the lights off and Radiohead weaving melodies through my room. I put Wish Upon a Star on. It's an old Disney Channel movie that I used to love. Familiar comforting. I pull the covers over my head. Watch some of the movie. Fall asleep.